my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
