Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
