My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
He felt like a one man threesome
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
