Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
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