Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
