You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
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