my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
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