It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
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