sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Holy sore nipples Batman
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
