DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
