Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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