im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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