I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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