I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
