well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
