He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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