If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
