In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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