The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
