I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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