ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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