I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
