i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
