Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
and you fell through a lawn chair
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Randomize
