You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
