You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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