yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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