I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
We need a shit load of segways right now
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
