I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
it's like iHOP with fire
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
