YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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