I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Randomize
