4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
