Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
