She announced her abortion via fbk
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
