I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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