My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I'm getting married
To pizza
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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