I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
