My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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