so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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