Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Sorry my hands just texted you
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Randomize
