Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
