I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
birth control should be required to get into college
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
