and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
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