I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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