you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
