I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
