Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
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