Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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