Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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