My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina