In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
