wrigley field is MILF paradise
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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