dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Randomize
