I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
