i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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